Start with Empathy: The Key to Comforting Conversations About Loss with Your Child
Talking to children about loss is never easy, and many parents and guardians need help with it. I created "Message to Heaven" to ease that burden and prompt the conversation.
A child who has lost a loved one needs a safe space to communicate their feelings. Please encourage them to express their feelings in whatever format they are comfortable with, such as talking, drawing, or any other form of communication. Emotional validation allows the child to be vulnerable if they know it's okay to be sad, angry, and confused and feel supported without judgment.
How do the five stages of grief differ between kids and adults?
The five stages of grief differ between kids and adults in understanding death, expressing their emotions, and how to cope with the loss of a loved one. Both will experience some of the same feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but the maturity level will dictate how the grief will manifest.
The initial stage of grief is denial, where individuals struggle with the reality that their loved one is gone. This stage is a defense mechanism to manage emotions. For a young child, because they don't fully understand that death is permanent, they may ask when is the loved one coming home. As their understanding deepens, revisiting the permanence of death may be necessary.
“Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief... it is the nature of survival.”
Intense emotions begin to surface, and anger is usually the dominant one. Feelings of frustration and anger at the situation occur. This anger can be toward themselves, others, and the person who has passed away. Children express their grief sporadically, exhibiting sadness and quickly navigating into an activity. Their emotional awareness is limited, making it difficult for children to articulate their feelings. Because of this, you may observe behaviors such as withdrawal, acting out, or developmental regression.
At the bargaining stage, individuals dwell on the what if, thinking about things they could have done differently to avoid the inevitable. Bargaining is to lessen the impact of the loss and regain control when they feel powerless. This stage is challenging for children as they begin to think about how they can reverse the death. They will express the desire for the loved one to return if they are good or behave better. They are willing to fix the situation by making a deal to keep their room clean or do their chores, which is indicative of their age-appropriate thinking and inability to grasp the concept of death.
Understanding Depression in Childhood Grief: Signs, Symptoms, and Support
The depression stage is where the individual begins to realize the extent of the loss entirely. The sadness, regret, and hopelessness deepens. Behaviors that surface are withdrawal from others, feelings of loneliness, and lack of interest in activities. Because children have a limited ability to express their emotions fully, their experiences with deep sadness, hopelessness, and regret surface through changes in behavior, emotional withdrawal, and physical symptoms.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word... all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Below are some ways the depression stage may look like for children:
Emotional Withdrawal or Numbness: A child may become less interested in an activity they once loved, becoming withdrawn, quiet, and reserved.
Mood changes: Children may cry more often and express regret over the loss. They may seem down all the time and have prolonged periods of sadness.
Sleep Disturbances: Sleep disturbances occur when children are experiencing emotional distress. You may observe them having trouble sleeping, sleeping for long periods, or having nightmares.
Loss of appetite or overeating: The loss of a loved one may prompt a change in appetite and can be a sign of depression. Some children may lose interest in eating or use food for comfort and overeating.
Heightened Clinginess and Separation Anxiety: Depression in children can cause heightened clinginess and fear of being separated from family and further loss of remaining parents or guardians.
Finding Peace Through Acceptance: Moving Forward While Honoring Loved Ones
Acceptance is when individuals begin to acknowledge a level of understanding of the loss. They begin to make adjustments to start a life without their loved ones. However, acceptance doesn't mean they are happy individuals; it means they find ways to move on while still honoring their loved ones in many different ways.
This stage for children happens over time as their maturity level of understanding that death is permanent and realizing their loved one is not coming back. While they may still exhibit sadness and anger, they will be able to manage their emotions better. Some additional behaviors that are evidence of acceptance are returning to their routines, engaging in conversations about their loved ones more comfortably without breaking down, and developing a new sense of normalcy.
Helping children navigate through the stages of grief is no easy task. It is imperative to start with empathy and open the lines of communication.
My latest book, Message to Heaven, captures a young girl's journey through navigating her emotions after losing a loved one and learning how to stay connected to them. This book is for parents, guardians, caregivers, and teachers to help children begin the healing process after a devastating loss.
To be notified when Message to Heaven is released, sign up for our newsletter at messagetoheaven.org/signup. As a thank you for signing up, you will receive a free copy of the ebook today.